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Everyone has a Story

I have been for months just thinking what would I even write about with a blog? What would be the content that I would share?  I finally got brave enough to just start one and then it took me weeks to debate on the first blog post.  I decided, I would just type what came to me and share some insight on how I got to where I am today.

First off, my name is Jess and I feel like I am a very free spirit with limits.  I know many of you are scratching your heads, thinking how is that possible, and you know what — I am right there with you! I love to be goofy and have fun, I have such a creative side that I like to express through art, crafts, photography and fashion.  Yet, I work a business finance job 40 hours a week and have since I was 18. I am one of those people that use both the left and right side of the brain pretty dang equal.

I have a 3 year old miracle baby boy. Maverick, and the journey that got me to him is one that I can’t fit in one blog post.  I know that is a big part of my story so I will be sharing it.  This blog I plan to  have a lot of fun, happy, informative posts but I am a real person.  I have real feelings. Real stories.  And I feel I need to share them…..so here we go!

2 years ago on this day, I got told “You have a malignant cancerous tumor that we are unsure how you are here alive today.” The 6 weeks leading up to that diagnosis was a roller coaster ride of emotions but those words were a knife to my heart, and a sucker punch right in the ol’ pit of the stomach.  I had a son who just turned 1.  He needed his mom.  My husband needed me here to be his wife.  I didn’t want to not be here and miss out on growing old with him and watching my son grow up.  All at the same time, I had a comfort now knowing that they finally knew what was wrong and the Lord had me in His hands.

The cancer I had was a rare cancer from having my son.  Crazy right? I knew there was morning sickness, mood swings, cravings, swollen feet, but not once in all those baby books I read did it say, “Oh there is a chance, a very slim chance, but nonetheless a chance that you can develop cancer while pregnant.”

Anniversary dates and this time of year takes me back to that time.  No matter how much I do not want to go back there, I just can’t control it.  I can control some aspects but I finally came to the realization that from that day, that moment, I was never the same Jess that I was.  I also have learned through all the dark times , they never take precedence over my best times and all of them together make up , My GorJess Life.

Until next time my friends.

xo,

Jess

 

 

 

Patriarch

So, it has been a hot minute since I have done a post.  The second half of last year flew by with Maverick in school, and holiday season.  I made it a resolution to make sure I keep this up this year for myself.  Whether nobody reads or not, I like looking back and reading.

With that said, this isn’t a very happy post.  My feelings are all over the place as I type this.  My GPA, as I have shared has ALWAYS been my favorite person I have ever known.  6 years ago today, I got the worst call of my life. I had just left my hometown of Salina, to go back after visiting family in town.  I told my GPA, like I always had before, “I love you and I will see you later”, to which he replied his usual, “I love you too kiddo, and I reckon’ I’ll be here”.  Well I had just got to my husband (then boyfriend’s) house that was in a city between my hometown and the current town I was residing.  It was a Saturday night and we were getting ready to go see a movie.  Unfortunately no movie was seen, but I was in a real life horror.  My GPA had suffered a stroke, was too old to be a candidate for surgery, and in a coma state with bleeding on left side of his brain and leaving right side paralyzed. I remember vividly every detail of that day and the days to come.

I arrived at the hospital in record time, did you know that you could drive 170 miles in just an hour and 40 min? I probably would have been on the news for a car chase if a cop tried to pull me over.  I got to the hospital and GPA was still there.  He didn’t break his promise.  My mom, sister, uncle were there and I just remember walking down the hall and like always, my uncle J was the one that was there that I collapsed and buried my head into as he held me while I sobbed. I got it all out and went in to see GPA and made every effort to be positive and happy in his room.  I would tell him things like “man you really didn’t have to do this to get me back home so quick”….I really do think he laughed inside with my witty jokes.  I remember singing his favorite songs he liked me to sing.  I recall him squeezing my hand, the doctor ( p.s. if you are a doctor why are you all pessimists???? like just stop) but anyways the doctor said it was his body jerking, not consciously squeezing.  Say whatever doctor dude, you may have some fancy degree you spend millions on and earn millions for BUT you don’t know my GPA, you DO NOT know the fight in him that had him survive so many things like WWII, being shot, being stabbed multiple times, blown up in a camper, a stroke prior and so much more.  You don’t know doctor dude, but I do and that was a firm GPA squeeze that I had felt many times in my life.

I had much faith and hope but the rest of the family soon began to travel to Kansas and be here.  The waiting room for days was filled with our family.  None of us wanted to leave the hospital.  He meant the world to everyone.  GPA held on until his last child got here, he had 6.  Then on Thursday, January 12th, 2012 it was the morning and I remember my aunt coming to the waiting room saying, “you guys come on , he is going”.  My faithful heart was thinking he was going to another room, but my head knew that was not the case.  All 6 of his children, and I think there was 12 of us grandchildren, and some significant others piled into the little hospital room.  I was lucky enough to be holding his left hand.  I remember looking around and seeing all the tears, all the faces saying it was ok for him to go see grandma.  I remember saying it but my head was screaming, ” don’t go. Don’t Leave! I can’t do life without you GPA!” I remember holding my little cousin on my hip and he had me lean him over to say “love you grandpa”.  He was 7, so young to really grasp this but he did. The doctor said he was gone, my mom crumbled to the floor, It felt like time froze. I know I was crying and consoling my cousin, I know I couldn’t let go of GPA’s hand and I just looked all around the room.  A family that was all united and here because of one man.  The Patriarch.

Forever missed and loved.  Never forgotten.

 

Until next time,

Jess

Daily Internal Struggle

Hey all, it has been a hard few months for me.  One reason I had even thought about doing a blog was because writing has always been therapeutic for me and I am much better at writing out my feelings rather than verbally expressing them.  Unless it is someone  I am completely close to and I only have few people that fall in that category.  I have no issue talking about things AFTER I made it through something, but during, nope – CAN NOT DO IT.  So I did share my cancer journey on my caring bridge but had my mom and my husband do most of the talking to others otherwise.  But now , I have no issue talking about it. One thing though, that is hard for me to talk about is the aftermath of what this cancer took from me and my family.  My fertility.

If I am completely honest, I always kind of saw myself with one child, a boy.  I just knew I was going to have a boy. I had his name picked out when I was 15 years old.  I even said when I was going into have the hysterectomy in July 2015 that it was ok, I got the perfect child already.  I know at the time the only thing in my mind was to beat this cancer and do all I could to live and be here for my son and my husband.  Now that the physical healing has gotten pretty much done (besides the annoying weight that steroids won’t let me budge), the emotional healing is a doozy.  My oncologist even told me how cancer patients around the 2 year mark start to suffer PTSD and depression.  Especially women who had to lose something so great, like female organs and the “what ifs”.

I don’t want people I know to feel this is directed at you at all but I have to be real in my feelings here. It is really hard to see so many people having babies.  You are happy for them 100% but be lying if you didn’t ache every time you saw an announcement made.  I had one friend who just had her baby a couple months ago, she was so incredibly sweet.  She knew what it was like to struggle with this but she immediately thought of me when she found out she was pregnant and told me  in the most real, honest and caring way.  I told her she was crazy to worry about telling me but the fact that she really did care about me like that, just meant the world to me as I reflect back.  I don’t think I have ever had anyone be that sweet and kind to me.   Like I said she had her rainbow baby girl and my gosh she is the cutest thing. She also has a shop that has some rainbow baby items if anyone needs something check out Curly Qs Counter and use CQCBFF for a discount.

As October is Infant Loss Awareness month, it is an especially hard month.  I will never know with my cancer if the miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy they treated me for was actually a baby or if it was stemming from Maverick’s pregnancy.  But regardless I went through the emotions of the losses by doing the surgeries and the tears and the emotional heartache.  1 out of 4 women have experienced a loss.  It is heartbreaking.  Women who can not have babies but yearn for them like myself have to tell themselves everyday not to break down when they see the kids with all the siblings playing.  They say time heals , but I say love is going to be the only thing that heals this ache in women who go through this.  So this month I encourage you to show love in some way to a person you know who may need it.  People always assume that you need to accept and move on, but really no mother can….and probably never will.

These are the only pictures I had of the few weeks I got to believe I was carrying a sibling for my baby boy.  He and I surprised Daddy with him wearing this shirt and he would touch my tummy and say “baby”.  He would of been the best big brother, probably the thing that hurts the most.

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xo

Jess

 

Fall…behind

Today was the first day of fall and I realized that I have ‘fall’en behind on keeping up the blog posts.  Why does time seem to go by so fast?  I remember being a kid and thinking next week would take forever to get to, now here we are creeping onto October and holiday festivities to end 2017.

I will say that Autumn is probably my favorite season. I love the cooler weather and the fun family nights playing board games and eating slow cooker meals while a new show is on.  I love the colors of the leaves, the holiday preparations, scarves and cozy sweaters. Crisp mornings that my little guy likes to come in and cuddle for a few minutes before we have to get up for the day.  I think I also like it because it makes me realize what the year brought.  3/4ths of the year is over and it is now that time where you ask yourself…What have I accomplished?  What didn’t I do that I want to do this year? What did I learn? What did I do to be a blessing?  What makes this year one that is memorable and meaningful? So as the busy times come and the end of the year flies by—start reflecting.  When you are exhausted (and I am so guilty of this) and you are dealing with that threenager , realize next year you will be missing that three year old.  Put down your phone (again super guilty here) and have a conversation with your loved one where all your focus is on them.  Go let your kid jump in the puddles and join them! Heck go slide in the mud.  Whatever is important to you, make time for it.  We still have some time to  make 2017 the best! Don’t let time get away from you like it so easily does, make those moments count and make them memorable!  FALL BEHIND  in things that don’t matter, so you spend your time on what does.

xo

Jess

 

Heaven on Earth

I just wanted to share about my favorite place.  Here in Kansas our state flower is the sunflower.  5 years ago I was blessed to hear about Grinter Farms.  I had no clue what to expect but when I got there— I was completely in awe of the beauty.  Of course that first year my phone I think I left in the car so didn’t take any pictures but every year since I have and each year I take more and more and they are better quality, ha!

Back in 2015, the night before my first chemo we went to the field.  My husband and I were on our knees and just praying.  We had no idea if this chemo would work.  Doctors didn’t know.  But we left feeling so much Peace and just knew God was there with us.  A year later we celebrated my remission in that field.  My son has been there every year of his life and I tear up just thinking of the emotion that comes over me as I went there this year completely healthy, with a full set of hair and with my two favorite people.

If you are ever in KS in late August, I HIGHLY suggest you come take a look for yourself.  This year we were able to go at sunrise and it was the best time I have ever had.  It was beautiful.  Here are some (Ok many pics of my years through the field but most from this year).

Enjoy!

xo,

Jess

Hollywood Wedding

August 31st is my husband and my wedding anniversary.  I decided to reminisce and look back through all the pictures I had available to me (we are currently on vacation celebrating).  We have a huge CD of pictures I need to put together and make prints!

Both Cameron and I have been in movies and love every aspect of filmmaking.  We were both actually in Up in the Air and so we knew we had to do an Old Hollywood theme wedding.  We had a fancy theater as the venue in downtown Kansas City.  It was a red carpet event and the reception also held  in the theater ballroom.  When guests arrived they had to walk red carpet and pictures taken with a backdrop with our names in a Hollywood star and our wedding date.  Our colors were red, black and white with some touches of silver and gold.  Feathers, pearls and diamonds whenever I could sneak them in somewhere.  I had pin curls, diamond studded shoes, brooches and the best looking leading ladies by my side.  We have so many kids in our family so we had them come down as “paparazzi’ with cameras before I came so they could take pictures of the guests. It was so cute.  Oscar shaped cookies as a thank you and gosh they were the best! What I wouldn’t do to have one of those cookies right now.  Delicious.

Besides all the details when I think back to that day, I think about how I was never really nervous.  I was calm and at peace. It rained that morning but stopped and was beautiful.  We had the best day! My husband even surprised everyone, including me by serenading me with the Buddy Holly song “Everyday”.  HAHA.  It was the highlight of many people’s day, as they STILL remember it. I really need to upload it because well , his voice may have cracked a time or two, but it was pretty sweet.  He even had the glasses and all! ha. It was a the perfect day for us and I am so glad that here we are, stronger than ever.

Please enjoy some pictures of our special day!

xo

Jess

P.S.   We found out we were expecting just 6 weeks later. 😉

 

The Bald and the Beautiful

If you look at those pictures would you believe they were taken same day? 2 years ago today to be exact.  I started my chemotherapy and had my port placement surgery.

I will say this is probably the most vulnerable I have ever  been with my cancer journey.  As I shared a lot about what I went through I didn’t share “the hair” part.  Its something I kept for a few reasons. Mostly I didn’t want to look sick to people or myself. The whole journey was mental for me and I knew if I started to believe how sick I was, my body would shut down and I wouldn’t be able to handle all I was doing and needed to do. The only time I didn’t have hair on my head was when I was at my 3 day hospital stay but even then, I had a beanie.  P.S.  Best beanies for chemo patients are seriously from Noxxaz .  The jersey knit didn’t over heat me and they were not itchy to irritate and no scarf hang to tickle my back.  (No I didn’t get anything to say that, it is the TRUTH!)

Now with all this said. Some things I did learn. When someone is going through it, don’t say “its just hair”. Because at that moment, it is not just hair to them. Its fear of the unknown and will they make it to see the hair come back. If you are unsure, don’t say to someone “at least you kept your hair”. Don’t talk about it amongst others. If it’s just hair anyways , why the need? Sorry to sound negative but felt I needed to address that since unfortunately many are effected by cancer and I am sure you know someone who is.

The positives I experienced far out weighed the negative. I got to see my husband does truly love me for me , hair or not –I was always beautiful and felt that way with him and when he looked at me. In fact the day that I decided I was going to “GI Jane” my hair it was just a whim.  I did NOT want the cancer to control me, I wanted to control what I could.   I chopped my hair to my shoulders, then a few hours later I took the buzzer.  My husband finished it all up for me.  That is love y’all. After it was done he kissed my head and said it was the most beautiful head he ever seen and wiped my tears away.  I didn’t want to get a fancy camera and take pics. I wish I had as I look back.  I only had this cell selfie with the hair on my shoulder still and my lovely port placement bruise.  As I look at it, I know after I took that picture I had a long cry in the shower, but oddly I do see confidence.  Confidence I was going to get through this. Confidence I was going to beat this to raise my son. Confidence I was going to beat this so I could finally one day share my bald pic because I admired every single woman I looked up at that time in my life that shared theirs.  BALD IS BEAUTIFUL! ❤

Until next time.

xo,

Jess

 

The Heart of Me…

Every year since my son was born we have went to the county fair the first weekend of August.  We go to other fairs throughout the summer but the one in August takes me home.  Here is a little backstory…..

My grandpa (I call him GPA), was the greatest man I have ever met and the fact I got to call him GPA was just the greatest honor.  I will definitely be telling you stories about him and his shenanigans.  Oh that man, was a hoot.  But his parents owned some cookhouses and things so he grew up around fairs and working those at festivals.  He swears Col Sanders stole his mamas fried chicken recipe……..he has never lied to me so I am going to tell everyone that as fact, ha.  Well he ended up buying some rides and joined in on the Heart of America shows. My mom and her siblings grew up out on the rode when school wasn’t in session.  Well as fate would have it, my mom met my dad out there and I was born a “Carnie”.  I am extremely PROUD to say that too. My summers I spent out on the fair.  My cousins, sister and I had a lot of good times.  Each week we went to different towns and we had our favorite traditions for each one.  (This explains my strong love of traditions, “It’s tradition and you don’t monkey with tradition”) I will definitely have to tell some of those stories.  Especially one of me learning to drive and they take me out to cemetary and I for sure learned how to drive backwards when we freaked ourselves out seeing people out there at 3 am.  Yikes! Good times indeed.  There is not one time I think back to being on the fair and not smiling.  It was my happiness, and it still is.

Every midway I walk onto and the smell of the cookhouses, the dusty gravel , the neon lights and the 80s rock blaring, it is the best feeling.  My GPA and I took pics on the carousel every year we could. After he passed I swore to always do that with a pic of his, and I have.  He told me once that each time I got on a carousel it was him giving me a big hug.  The big ol’ bear hug that he gave so well that nobody else could ever get just right.

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There is a song that Elvis sang “The Fair is Moving On”…. the song can sum up how I feel in August on the fairground.  Just a girl wishing her GPA was here to ride the carousel with her one more time.

All the rides are over and done
It’s late and no prizes are left to be won
The rides are closed, it’s the end of the day
The horses are moving away
Yes the fair’s moving on
And I’ll soon be gone
Remember the love that we’ve known
Yes the fair’s moving on
But I won’t leave you long
It’s the last time you’ll be on your own
The music has ended, the carousel’s still
The horses in boxes with the big ferris wheel
The canvass and glitter are safely on board
The trailers will soon hit the road

Until I see you again GPA, I got my bear hug from you tonight at the fair.

xo

Jess

Christmas in July

For the last 4 years we started a family tradition of celebrating Christmas in July.  I have always been a Christmas fanatic, it is my favorite time of the year.  I am the girl jamming to Christmas tunes when Starbucks rolls out their Pumpkin Spice Latte. My husband not so much. He is the guy that wants turkey dinner before we talk about the big guy in the red suit.  However, once we had Maverick, he entertained my idea and we have a blast with it.

In past years, July 25th has fell on the weekend so it was easy to make a full day affair.  This year it is on a Tuesday so makes it a little more difficult.  But don’t worry, we  fit all we could in the time we got and celebrated over a few days.

Elvis’ Christmas album plays 24/7 the days leading up.  It is the same album that is in the background when I watch old home videos of me as kid on Christmas.  My parents played it as they recorded our Christmas mornings.  It just takes me back when I hear the very first words “I’ll be home for Christmas” sung in that voice from the King of Rock n’Roll.  Plus it is Elvis, so there’s that.  My son knows who he is and has since he was 1.  (His room is Rock N Roll theme so he has a picture of Elvis and his record up on the wall- ha!)

We always try to do the same traditions as we do on the real Christmas day.   We do make a little batch of cookies the night before and eat them while we watch a Christmas movie and have frozen hot chocolate in our Christmas Jammies of course.  We read Maverick a Christmas book and tuck him into bed.  On the morning of “Christmas in July” we unwrap gifts.  We don’t go out and buy new things.  We wrap things we already have that are funny around the house.   This year I wrapped Cameron’s phone charger—-I mean it is something he needs right? ha! For Maverick I tried to find a toy he hasn’t been playing with so he thinks it is new and he loves it the following week.  Plus I hit the $1 bin at Target for a few “stocking stuffers”.  I always make up a little Christmas dinner, but an easier version.  For instance instead of a big turkey and all the trimmings, I make deli turkey rolls stuffed with stuffing and drizzle gravy over them.  Of course we would love to have some cranberry dish but did you know they do not sell cranberries ANYWHERE in the Midwest this time of year? Such a bummer.  Maybe one year I will remember to freeze some but that wasn’t this year.  I know there is always the canned kind but that doesn’t work for me.  I love my real cranberries and cooking them on the stove and the smell taking over the house.  We have done many different desserts in past years.  Red and Green SnoCones was our choice this year!

We were also able to really really celebrate this year because I got some lab results back from last week that I am still CANCER FREE! It is always great to have that reassurance.  SO blessed!

What fun family traditions do you all do ?? Tell me! I want to know!

xo,

Jess